Lack of blogging motivation

So I've kind of been out of ideas for writing lately, and for that I apologize to anyone who still regularly checks in. I've been running away from school for the past two weekends since my renal path exam and the rest of my free time is being eaten up by a stupid group project.

I'm not quite sure why as a 24 year old medical student I'm still assigned group work. Honestly, I am quite capable of working with a group to complete an assignment as well as doing it independently. I think that group science report that I did in elementary school proved that skill set. But here I am again, trying to coordinate 7 other classmates to create a paper that will live up to the nit-picky expectations of the course director. I've realized that I naturally gravitate to these types of positions where I take on the burden of getting a group of people to pull in the same direction, and usually I do ok with them. Hopefully, we can get a decent grade out of this project for all of us, I've certainly done my share. Especially with rewriting the sections assigned to the the one member of the group that struggles to write a coherent paragraph. I figured the 5 non-native english speakers would be the dead weight in the writing department, but they actually write quite well...it was one of the two native speakers that gave me trouble...figures.

So I got out to my favorite spot on earth this afternoon again: Fenway Park.

There's just something about the hustle and bustle around the ball park that makes me feel invigorated. Once I'm through the ticket gates, I like to immediately descend from the overly comercialized and family friendly Yawkey Way into the dimly bowels of the stadium that has stood there, almost unchanged since 1912. It almost feels like I'm traveling back in time amidst the smokey aroma of sausage on the grill and the white noise of 37,000 people vibrating through the concrete structure. Each descent brings back floods of memories of dozens of visits before, all rushing back at once. It's similar to what I imagine seeing your life flash before your eyes is like, but you can do it whenever you like for the price of admission. There's the usual, comfortable ritual of procuring the correct overpriced mass produced American lager for my dad in appreciation for the tickets he preennially provides, of walking down the ramp past the same souvenir vendor that's always there with the same old overpriced stuff, past the nacho/pretzel and hot dog/sausage, Papa Gino's, Beer/Peanut and Ice cream stands (yes, in that exact order). Waving to the same beer guy that's always there with some clever remark while he happily pours his brews in the corner by the entrance up to our section. It's a ritual that always feels familiar and yet always exciting and new...like nothing else I've ever experienced. If you've been to Fenway and sat on the third base side of the stadium, you probably know what I mean...it's the least renovated portion of the ball park and instead of feeling like a dump, which is what I'm sure many people would think, it feels like I'm walking back into an earlier time where nothing else matters except for enjoying the home team playing the classic american game.

For me, the real magic begins as soon as I emerge from the musty underbelly of the beast into the light and fresh air and echoing sounds of the park. I like to look up at the skyline over the right field wall and scan the outfield and just take a few seconds to absorb the atmosphere, and it instantly takes me back to the first few times that I visited the stadium back in the 80's and sat on my dad's lap and ate cotton candy and watched Wade Boggs (one of my favorite childhood players) play his heart out at third base and be the RBI machine that he was. It's a great feeling. The world could be collapsing around me (as it indeed it often seems to be these days), but I wouldn't really care if I had my butt in one of those cramped old seats. It really is a special place for me and holds hundreds of amazing memories that make me feel at peace and at home.

It's quite a stark and welcome contrast to my other life in New York, where I constantly feel out of place and like something is looming over me waiting to rend my soul to it's very roots. I wish I could better express what it is that I feel in words, but it's one of those intangibles that just nags at the periphery of my consciousness. Like when you walk into a room and absolutely know that something is out of place but you're not even sure what it is or why you have that feeling, but it's there nonetheless. I guess that I just don't feel at home there in NY and it adversely affects everything I do and weighs me down. I guess that strikes at the heart of the reason that I started writing this blog in the first place...to get over that feeling of living in a place that I will never be comfortable enough to call home.

I've come to realize over the past two years that discomfort is the place where I have to learn to be comfortable through many experiences (see "Notes from the Vagina"). However, making that leap from conceptualization to actualization is more difficult than it appears on the surface.

So that's a little bit about where I'm coming from in my life at this point, and it only took 3 overpriced, mass produced American lagers at my favorite place on earth to bring it out...hopefully I'll have something less touchy-feely to write about next time, but here's where my flow of consciousness went tonight.

Peace out girl scout...

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