Fun with old ladies

I have a strange talent. Now I'm not going to pretend that I'm a sex symbol or anything, but old ladies seem to like me. We're talking the butt-pinching, candy-giving, giggle-inducing kind of old lady crush that I'm hoping other male medical students have induced. It must be my towering 5'8" physique with the 158 lb recreational distance runner/beer drinker buld...gets em every time. Generally these cougars are something around age > 65 and/or BMI > 40. Yeah...I'm a stud.

We had the crotchetiest old woman on our service who hated EVERYONE...my residents, my attending, the nursing staff, the food-delivery people...everyone! She kicked my resident out of the room the morning before when he went in to say good morning. The nurses put her on contact precautions so that everyone would leave her alone...I think she had C. diff in the 90's, but wasn't a really compelling case. Of course she was old and obese...s/p gastric bypass 2 years ago. Lo and behold, my married, male resident is talking to her about her medications while I'm in the room.

Old Lady: Well I'm not taking the plavix AND this blood thinner...they do the same thing!!
Resident: Well...not exactly, the lovenox is prevent you from getting another PE like last time you were here and the plavix is for the stents in your heart.
OL: I don't care I'm only taking one!!!
R: Ok then, but we need to put some other sort of DVT prevention...will you wear the thromboguards?
OL: FINE...
R: Ok, I'll go put in those orders in
::we both head towards the door and start pulling off the isolation gowns as quickly as possible to move on to the next patient::
OL: Dr. Bostonian...I didn't say that you had to go (with that creepy trying to be coy/seductive voice)
::shudder...swallow vomit...try not to laugh out loud...turn to face her::
Bostonian: Can I help you with anything Mrs. OL?
::I can hear my resident outside running down the hall to tell the rest of the team::
OL: I just wanted to talk to you for a bit...are you married?
B: Nope, but I have a girlfriend. She's a lawyer.
OL: That's nice...blah blah blah...stories about when she wasn't sick or morbidly obese...try to not look at the clock on the wall that says I have 15 minutes to see my other 2 patients before rounds...now isn't that a hoot?
::Smile politely...swallow vomit again because it really smells like C. diff in here::
B: Alrighty Mrs. OL, I have to get going to see my other patients, but I'll stop by later to say hi
::Move quickly towards door and hope to escape unscathed::
OL: Bye Dr. Bostonian...I can't wait to see you later...
::shudder::

Anyway, it happens time and time again on this service. Today I got some candy from a 73 year old who wanted to talk to me about my plans for having children in the future...uggggh. Atleast if I moonlight at a nursing home, I'll do alright...;)